yoni wolf (of the band WHY?) shares some of his thoughtful thoughts on sex and intimacy:
Someone just asked me this:
I’m gonna ask you a personal question… How often do you get offered sex? On a daily basis?
here’s the long answer:
I am aware that in my position (rapper in a semi-famous band) the possibility exists for indulging in many short term trysts with young ladies. I am often tempted and I have, on occasion, dabbled, but all in all, I am a quite solitary and sexless guy who thinks about the act way more than I have the courage to enter into it. Considering most women/girls I might meet are from varying parts of the world (and most often not Cincinnati), it would take a lot of engineering and strategizing to manufacture an encounter in which sex might be a possibility. I am not the type to make a leap of faith bet on an individual I’ve only met on the internet or at one of my concerts. I am way too fickle for that kind of forced meeting to carry us (hypothetical lady and I) into something meaningful. When I have tried (and I have once or twice) in the past, it has always gone south (no pun intended because (i believe) on all accounts, neither party has).
Don’t get me wrong, there was a time when I went home with a lot of girls after shows. I would sleep with them once and then be on to the next town— usually with no further contact. This always left me feeling empty and depressed and guilty. But in another few days I would forget about these negative side effects and be on the prowl again. I used to refer to my prowling self as “Steiny” after my friend’s uncle’s 80’s era swinging middle-aged bachelor buddy. “Uh oh, Steiny’s loose”…This was sort of code for the rest of the band to know what I was about that evening. The persona was very much an ironic joke, but was, in a way, an accurate portrayal of my character if judged from afar: sleazy, aging (even though I was in my mid to late 20s, I was after girls several years my junior), and sort of desperate.
I suppose I eased up on these kind of encounters gradually as my 20’s came to a close and I started to get sicker and sicker with Crohn’s and later really serious anemia and eventually I lost my sex drive almost completely and sex became physically impossible. During this time I would try to masturbate to warm the bed in winter or to help me fall asleep but usually wasn’t able to maintain long enough to come to fruition.
I have been in recovery from the anemia for about a year—still not up to ‘normal’ blood levels but pretty close. The Crohn’s continues to be a struggle but I am hopeful. I find myself at 33 (nearly 34), relatively healthy in body (mind, debatable), feeling this longing and lust again; ogling girls at shows and on the internet— probably some of you are reading this. I have begun to converse with attractive young ladies on the ‘net, flirting I suppose. I feel compelled to these conversations— as adolescent as they are—by my constant urge. I delve into sex fantasies about girls half my age (plus a few years :-/ ). I started looking at porn again and hate myself every time I do.
My sex drive is mighty and bound like samson in the hands of the Philistines. I suppose the Philistines in this case is my guilt, the HPV that emerged along with the anemia still hasn’t quite fully quelled, my fortress of solitude/ fear of the act itself and intimacy generally, and the idea that I want to have something meaningful and lasting. I think Buck 65 said it best on his old underground hit ‘The Centaur’: “…I’m looking for true love, not groupies and freaks…” I suppose I’m getting to that age. Most of my friends and associates have coupled up and are having kids and all that. I have fantasies of that kind of life; surrounded by family and feeling like an integral part of something intimate and close. Perhaps I’m getting close to propagating time or perhaps I’m just lonely, shiftless, and afraid of death in a convoluted way.
There is a woman who has lingered in my life for nearly twenty years. Sometimes I entertain the idea of her as partner. We have discussed the idea lightly, but there’s so much residue and twisted history; so many echoes of terrible shit I’ve said to her rattling around the hollows of the universe. Not sure how to come back from all that to build something in the present and forward looking. And even if I might be willing to try, I am sure that she is not sure about me as partner (though we are and will remain great friends).
Meanwhile, my right big toe has been numb for a week and a half, I have mold in one closet, my gutters are falling off, water is getting in behind the flashing and doing damage to the walls, the light fixture in the back room hasn’t worked for months, I over-eat to the detriment of my digestive system—every day I tell myself I will be good but to no avail, and I am constantly looking at social media on my damn phone. I can’t seem to get to work on anything for more than an hour before I decide to eat or masturbate again. I’m working on it all though…Spring will be here soon, right?